


Barba's New Roommate is a Real Prick

by notmyyacht



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barba and cute critters, Gen, if porcupine quills bother you i suggest skipping this, specifically a porcupine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 21:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3425507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notmyyacht/pseuds/notmyyacht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barba wakes up in the middle of the night to find a porcupine in his bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barba's New Roommate is a Real Prick

**Author's Note:**

> Rating this T for brief swearing and just in case the imagery of porcupine quills getting stuck in human skin bothers anybody. So basically, just to be safe. This is unbeta'd, so if there are any grammar/spelling errors, they're all on me.
> 
> Disclaimer: Although I did a tiny bit of research (and I mean TINY), I am in NO WAY a porcupine expert. This fic is not a how-to guide for handling porcupines. Got it? Enjoy :D

Barba opened his eyes, not quite sure what it was that woke him. He furrowed his brow and sat up. His bedroom was dark and quiet, save of course for the usual city noises outside his window. The clock on his bedside table read 2:27 AM. He blinked a few times and scratched the back of his head. Weird.

He shrugged and moved to slide back under the covers. That's when he felt something move against his leg. His eyes flew open and he instinctively tried to kick the covers off. He felt a pinch in his leg, like a shot. Then another. _Shit_ , it stung. What the hell...?

Barba turned on the bedside light. He squinted, his eyes adjusting. Then he saw it. His eyes widened.

"Oh."

There, right beside his leg was a porcupine. He glanced at the two brown quills sticking out of his leg. Barba stiffened in his spot.

The quills on the porcupine's back weren't upright. Remnants of an old nature program Barba once watched flashed through his mind. He stared at the creature, relaxing somewhat that it hadn't considered him a threat yet. Yet. His leg must have accidentally caught on the barbs and when he kicked away, they came with him.

The unbothered porcupine waddled toward the edge of the bed. Barba cautiously bent his knee to get a closer look at the damage. He didn't dare touch the quills, but he would be lying if he said attempting to pull them out right there was tempting.

He looked over at the rodent. How the hell had it gotten in, and where did it come from for that matter? Didn't they like the woods or something?

The porcupine didn't seem to care that the bed did not go on forever. Barba was tempted to pull the creature back from the edge so it wouldn't fall, but that would be a dumb thing to do.

His brow knitted as he watched the porcupine lose its footing. Another step and the poor thing would fall off the side. Barba sat there, unsure what to do. If he reached out, he would only get quills stuck in his hands for his troubles, but if he let it go over the side, it could hurt the creature or at least irritate it. His bed wasn't too far off the floor, but if the porcupine fell the wrong way, it could do damage.

He watched as the porcupine missed a step on the edge with its front paw, causing it to emit a soft whining noise. Barba couldn't watch this.

"Damn it."

He started to pat the space on the bed beside him as if he was beating drums. The porcupine turned, intrigued by the vibrations on the bed.

"That's it, away from the edge." Barba patted the space again. The rodent took a few steps further from the edge.

 _This is such a stupid idea_ , Barba kept thinking. But at least it didn't seem afraid of him as it approached.

"That's it." He relaxed once the porcupine was once again further up the bed. It sniffed at his hand and proceeded to sniff the pillow. Barba took this opportunity to slide off the bed himself. He winced as his feet made touchdown with the floor. He tore his eyes away from the creature to scan his room for his phone.

Something soft was brushing against his hand. The porcupine was leaning up to sniff him again... and quite close to falling off the bed again. _Crap._ Barba didn't realize what he was doing until he felt a quill stick into his arm as he gently pushed the porcupine away from the edge.

He hissed and pushed it further until it was at the center of the bed again. The porcupine stared up at him with big, innocent eyes. Barba was surprised its quills were still down. He withdrew his hands from the soft underside of the creature.

"Well that was a dumb move," Barba sneered, not sure if he was scolding himself or the porcupine. At least he only got _one_ stuck in his arm for that.

He flashed the porcupine a stern look he usually saved for the SVU team when he tells them not to do something.

"Don't move." Oh, he hoped -unlike the SVU team- the porcupine would actually listen to him. The porcupine continued to stare at him. Barba glanced at the quill in his arm and mumbled an "Ow" before leaving the room.

He moved quickly, mindful of the quills in his leg and arm.

Aha! there his phone was! Barba scooped it up from the kitchen counter and stared down at it. Who was he supposed to call? Animal control? He didn't exactly have them on speed dial. Barba practically limped over to where he left his laptop on the coffee table in his living room.

His uninjured leg bounced in anticipation as his computer turned on. He eyed the quill sticking out of his arm.

Take care of the damn porcupine first, then go to a hospital. Simple enough plan. If only he didn't have court at nine the next morning... Ugh what a horrible night.

Once he put the call through, Animal Control informed him to not touch the porcupine or go near it and wait for someone to come take care of it.

Barba put down his phone and relaxed into his couch. He rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes and looked down at the quills sticking out of him.

 _Half an hour, they said. Half an hour and they'll take that damn rodent and you'll be on your way to the hospital to get these properly taken out._ Barba yawned and resisted the urge to poke at the quill in his arm.

Something soft nudged at his ankle. Barba's eyes widened. Shit, he left the bedroom door open! He looked down and sure enough the damn porcupine was sniffing his leg.

 _Guess a tumble off the bed wasn't as bad as I thought._ He kept himself still as he watched the porcupine sniff and touch the side of the couch, looking for a way to climb up.

It dug its claws into the side and started pulling itself up. Prices of having to fix the material -should one of the claws penetrate it- flew through Barba's head.

The porcupine made it to the top and started sniffing the quill stuck in Barba's arm.

"Yes, that's yours," Barba assured it. He rolled his eyes. "And now I'm actually talking to it."

He inhaled sharply as the porcupine pushed its snout under his hand. Barba cursed as his arms flew into the air. Without any other boundaries in its way, the porcupine waddled onto his lap and settled there.

Barba could feel his heart pounding in his chest. One wrong move...

The porcupine stayed there for the next twelve minutes. After two minutes, Barba started to feel the blood leave his arms, so he slowly lowered them to rest on the back of the couch. After six minutes, the porcupine's eyes closed and its breathing became comfortably steady. After seven minutes, Barba realized it was asleep. After eight, he struggled with the possibility of moving it off his lap. But what if it woke up and felt the need to defend itself? Three quills was enough for one night, so Barba let it be. He wondered if anyone would believe this.

At twelve minutes of Barba's lap being a porcupine bed, he heard the knock on his door.

Barba swallowed thickly, suddenly realizing that his door was locked. Animal Control needed in and there was a sleeping porcupine in his lap. Barba had to think fast, something he generally did pretty well at his job. But here, at three in the morning, he didn't have time to think. He had to _act_ , and act quickly.

There was another louder knock, followed by a muffled "Mr. Barba, Animal Control."

Now or never. Barba slid his hands under the soft belly of the porcupine in an attempt to gently slide it onto the cushion beside him.

 _No! Too fast!_ He scolded himself, but it was too late. With a loud whine, the creature woke up, its quills raised in alarm.

Barba quickly dropped the porcupine onto the soft cushions of the couch. He jumped to his feet, his eyes watering, and managed to get to the door.

The guy from Animal Control raised his eyebrows at the sight of him. Dressed in merely a white tee and his boxers, Barba now had multiple quills sticking out of both his arms, one hung painfully from his chin, and several from his chest, although a majority of the ones on his chest looked to be hanging onto the fabric of his t-shirt, rather than into his skin.

"Rough night?" said the Animal Control guy as if this was a common sight. Barba glared at him. "Okay, son, where is it?"

Barba weakly lifted his arm to point at the couch. The man looked past him and nodded. Good, at least the little bastard hadn't moved from where Barba left it.

He let the man in, who introduced himself as Sal. Sal was a cheery -too cheery for this time of night- 50-something year old with silver in his dark hair and moustache.

Barba quickly explained how he woke up with the porcupine in his bed and how he had no knowledge of how it got in or where it came from. Sal had an idea on the latter.

"The zoo reported a runaway porcupine earlier this week," he explained, slowly approaching the creature in question, "if this guy has a chip in him, then we'll know for sure. How has he acted around you?"

"He seems to like me. That is, before I interrupted the nap he was taking on my lap." Barba stood there, just wishing Sal would just take the porcupine and _go_ so he could go get the needles removed.

Sal nodded with a smile.

"Yeah, then this is likely Spike. Spike was born in captivity. Been around humans his whole life."

"Spike? That's... original," Barba's tone oozed sarcasm, but Sal didn't seem to notice. 'Spike's quills were still erect as it remained still on the couch.

"Okay," Sal mumbled, returning to the hall to bring in a metal cage trap. He placed it down on the floor and set it up. Spike didn't move a muscle.

"He seems to like you. Try to goad him over," Sal suggested, standing up and moving away. Barba glared at him again, but he was in no position to argue. He took painful steps around the trap. He winced as he kneeled on his good leg. He forced a fake smile. Spike was still looking at Sal with apprehension.

Barba bit the inside of his cheek and rapidly patted the carpet like drums. Spike's attention flew immediately to him.

"That's it. Remember that?" Barba patted the floor again. "Just like when I saved you from the ledge? Come on. The couch is shorter than the bed. You can make it."

Spike's quills stayed up, but his nose twitched and he started for the edge of the couch.

"That's it, buddy."

With no amount of grace, the porcupine rolled off the couch and onto the floor, a few quills sticking to the surfaces in the process.

Spike waddled closer. Barba moved back behind the trap. He smiled as he watched Spike waddle right into the trap. Finally.

\--

Barba didn't comment on the looks he got the following morning. After the arraignment, he dropped in to the SVU precinct at their request.

"Holy crap, Barba," was the first thing he heard as he approached the team circled around their board covered in info about their latest case.

Barba didn't even dignify the comment with a response. He knew he looked like shit. Sal had offered to take Barba to the hospital, where it took longer than he would have liked to get the quills out, resulting in Barba getting zero sleep. He felt like a zombie the entire morning, if the bags under his eyes were anything to prove for it. Places on his body still hurt a little. Not to mention, there was a nice, big bandage on his chin. It didn't take an entire team of detectives to figure out something happened. Something Barba was not in any way going to disclose to them.

As their meeting drew to a close, Barba's phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text from Sal notifying him that, yes, the porcupine in his apartment was indeed the runaway, Spike, from the zoo.

\--

Barba wasn't sure why he decided to come here. It was his day off, which he tended to use to sleep in or socialize. But no, he chose to come to the zoo for one animal and one animal only.

He found the cage he was looking for and halted in front of it. His eyes searched the habitat until... there! Inside, he spotted Spike gnawing on a stick. His quills were flat against his body and he was making soft, happy noises.

"Hey buddy," said Barba, unable to suppress a small smile.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this. If anybody ever wants me to write more adventures of Barba and Spike the porcupine in the future, let me know. Hope you enjoyed it! :D


End file.
